Hey “Dr.” Gay Nerd
I am a college student in a small rural college town, and don’t really fit in anywhere. Obviously I’m gay, and so I don’t fit into straight society, but I also find that I have next to nothing in common with gay society. I’m shy and socially awkward (I think due to being isolated and homeschooled growing up) and while I’m nerdy, it’s in a more academic way, rather than just being into video/computer games, MMPORG-ing or LARP-ing, or quoting anime. I enjoy linguistics and good books, and world constructing, at an almost obsessive level.
I’ve been out for 2 years and I’ve yet to have a boyfriend or to date. Hell, I’ve never had sex or even been kissed. I have very few friends, but one of my closest is a nerdy straight guy who is a real “player”.
With all that said, I’m beset by an enigma: what the hell am I supposed to do about dating? All the gay guys I’ve seen have been boner-killers either because they’re fugly or effeminate caricatures of human beings. To be fair, I’m rather fugly myself… I’m going to be 22 soon, and it’s like I’m perpetually 12 or something. I feel like I don’t have a real shot because I’m so ugly, awkward, and don’t really belong anywhere. What on earth can I possibly do?
Sincerely,
Over-inflated Sense of Importance.
Dear Sense of Importance-
Let me let you in on a little secret. I also sometimes feel like I am ugly, awkward, and don’t really belong anywhere. I’m not a super-nerd, as there are lots of areas I know nothing about. I’ve been in a few relationships, but seeing that I’m currently single, you couldn’t exactly call me a success. And that, my friend, is going to end up being exactly what you need. Once you realize that most people in the world actually feel this way, you find yourself on a level playing field once more.
Stop stressing about being a SuperNerd and just be yourself. That's going to be the most attractive image you can put out there.
I needed to learn to just calm down. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be something you aren’t. The title of “nerd” is just as intimidating as that of “jock” or “popular” or “rebel.” Just because nerds are typically at the bottom of the “popularity chain,” this doesn’t mean that it’s an all-welcoming group. In fact, I fully believe that sometimes nerds have to prove themselves even harder to fit into the herd. That pressure can be overwhelming and is probably mostly why you feel you don’t belong anywhere.
Stop worrying about what you are or aren’t into. There are going to be other people out there who are interested in the same things. Even if you don’t meet someone who’s just as geeky about linguistics or world building as you are, you’ll meet someone who’s interested in learning about them and who can teach you a thing or two about what they’re into as well. Take the pressure off yourself to be the “Best Nerd You Can Be” and just start focusing on what you want to. Explore some other nerdy things, if you want, and expand your horizons. Just don’t count yourself out of the game before you’ve already played.
Perhaps the most important thing I needed to learn is that you’re only as “fugly” as you let yourself be… because fugly is a state of mind. It’s amazing what a dramatic new haircut, tight pair of jeans, and a new shirt worlds away from your normal color palate can do. Fugly goes beyond just your physical appearance, though, because fugly is an entire personality. When you feel like you are fugly, you are typically embarrassed, shy, and afraid to talk to people. You hide in corners and distance yourself from the world. That’s what you need to shake.
I’m going to do something I’ve never done before and give you a video. I found this recently through a very good friend of mine and I feel like it’s one of the most constructive short films that I’ve ever seen.
| How To Be Alone | |
Learning how to be alone is one of the best ways to build your confidence. What they say is true, confidence is the most attractive quality. Once you become comfortable with yourself, you have less of an issue putting yourself out there. This confidence is something which others will intuitively pick up on and that, in turn, will draw them to you. Plus, being happy while being alone is actually pretty awesome. Take it from someone who knows. =)
-Dr. Gay Nerd
Have a question for Dr. Gay Nerd? Send an email at: askdrgaynerd( at )gay( dash )nerds( dot )com (just make sure you replace the words and parentheses with the correct punctuation).
Agree or disagree? Discuss this week’s topic with the other gay and lesbian nerds in the forums!
Tags: advice, alone, ask dr. gay nerd, attractive, be gay, be happy, be yourself, calm down, confidence, dating, fugly, gaming, Gay, gay-nerds, how to be alone, lesbian nerds, linguistics, love, love yourself, nerd, nerdy, nerdy girl, nerdy guy, player, relationship, self-confidence, sex, unattractive
