paranoia, Bloodie Strawberries and I sat down to watch a short with the unforgettable title of The Man with the Smallest Penis in Existence and the Electron Microscope Technician Who Loved Him. I didn’t quite know what to expect. Was this a simple porno? An exploration of society’s obsession with penile size? An awkwardly named documentary about electron microscopy’s many contributions to society? Let’s find out. (Warning: NSFW)
bloodie: -.- Homos
paranoia: You’re a homo
bloodie: I am not the one with the obsession with tiny dicks & human centipedes -.-
tuck: Both perfectly healthy interests. Ok children, shall we start?
paranoia: In 3, 2, 1.
paranoia: Is that a sanitary napkin?
bloodie: It’s a pad for your bloody vagina.
paranoia: It’s classy in a retro vulgar way.
tuck: I love it already
Our friendly neighborhood sanitary napkin flies around as the opening credits roll. The camera pans down to reveal an adorable pink house and our hero. He’s boiling some macaroni. Dinnertime?
bloodie: Nice ass.
Well, maybe not dinner quite but dessert at least.
paranoia: Oh God. You aren’t serious. Macaroni? That is ingenious.
tuck: It really is.
Unfortunately, his efforts are for naught. Frustrated, he goes to the doctor.
tuck: Ooh, proctology. I guess he knows he has a great ass too.
bloodie: I love the clock.
paranoia: Vitruvius Man penis clock. This short is super classy.
The titular electron microscopist makes her appearance. It is clearly love at first sight.
It’s time for the examination to begin…
paranoia: I really want that chair.
bloodie: This is amazing and that chair is ace.
tuck : That chair would make many positions so much more convenient.
bloodie: Hahaha. I love the soundtrack.
tuck: Are those…poo elves?
She examines our hero’s penis. Not being able to see clearly, she decides to go to the microscope room.
tuck: The magnifying glass! It does nothing!
bloodie: The L-MAe 7000?
tuck: The way they framed the scope makes it look like an extension of his penis.
A, um, bond forms during the examination. He is really happy to see her.
We all think we know what’s going to happen next. But now for something completely different!
Yes, that is what you think it is. A hummingbird rectum.
bloodie: This is so hot. *fans self*
paranoia: I just don’t know how to process this.
bloodie: I love the way that penis can only have one nerve ending.
Is it true love at last for our hero?
paranoia: Moral of the story is…?
tuck: There’s someone for everyone? I don’t know if it really had a moral.
bloodie: Bird rectums make good sex toys? But I was surprised by the film. It was a cute 50’s cartoon thing. I did not think it would be animated.
paranoia: Yeah, by the title, I was expecting some cheesy porn set or something. It’s a pleasant surprise actually. The animation is top notch.
tuck: I was expecting something a lot more camp. This was sweet and rather charming.
bloodie: It was really cute.
paranoia: I wouldn’t necessarily say charming…but it was cute.
bloodie: For a cartoon about tiny dicks, it is rather charming.
tuck: Considering the subject matter, they handled it with class.
paranoia: Why hummingbird sphincters?
tuck: Does this make him the reverse Mr. Hands?
bloodie: The film took a necro-beastial tone at the end.
paranoia :So it was love at first sight for the nurse…
tuck: Look at that ass. Who wouldn’t fall in love (at least for the night)?
paranoia: Is it necrophilia though? The hummingbird had a bandage on its ass at the end. I’d classify it under awkward sex props. If you think about it, it’s sort of like a lambskin condom.
bloodie: Is there a fetish for fucking ripped out organs?
tuck: I feel like I should look but I think it might be better if I didn’t. There is all that guro nonsense in manga.
paranoia : No bueno.
paranoia: Why would a colonoscopy nurse have hummingbirds in jars in the back room?
bloodie: Most likely the same reason she has an electron microscope.
tuck: Well, she’s also an electron microscopist so maybe it’s just a specimen to look at. Or the truth is she has a thing for small penises and just hit the jackpot. She’s been planning this moment for years. Just waiting for the right man to come along.
paranoia : Hahahaha, that’s something. If he was gay, he’d be set with that ass really.
bloodie: Why would he go to the booty doctor for a small penis?
tuck: He liked getting fingered?
bloodie: It was an eyeball, so looks like he likes his ass eyed out.
paranoia: Why must you make all these horrifying references?
bloodie: You just have a dirty mind. I only thought of that one monster in Japanese mythology that strips down by the side of the road to reveal his ass to a traveler who discovers the monster has an eye where his anus is supposed to be.
paranoia: You’re the one talking about rubbing your eyes on someone’s asshole.
tuck: Although in the course of rimming, I think we’ve all done that accidentally. Well, not like a good hard rub, but like a passing swipe?
paranoia:…can’t say that I have…
bloodie: Gives a new meaning to brown eyes.
paranoia: I’m glad you shared though.
bloodie: Oh God. Okay, never type “toilet paper” into Google image search with the filters off. I was looking for a toilet paper with eyes on it, since I think that is how tuck rims, like he is trying to use his boyfriend’s bootyhole as an eye shadow factory.
paranoia: He said passing glance, a fluttering of the eyelashes.
bloodie: So he is just using it for mascara?
tuck: I am never going to live this down, am I? It wasn’t like I was rubbing my eye there. People move around, unexpected things happen.
paranoia : Final verdict?
bloodie: I think that it was cute and a very good Youtube short but I would not get it on DVD or pay money to see it. It was “meh” but a cute, pinky “meh”. 3 rainbow fists.
tuck: Technically, it was pretty impressive and the color scheme was gorgeous. Cute, but not something I would spend money on. I’m not sure if I just didn’t fully understand it or if it was just made to seem deeper than it really is. So, a lot of style, not that much substance. 3.5 rainbow fists.
paranoia: Surprisingly great retro animation. Adorable characters and good sense of humor. Fun way to waste a couple of minutes. I’d recommend it though just for the wtf-ery and the great animation.
3.5 rainbow fists.
Watch the movie for yourself here.
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