Dear Dr Gay Nerd

I have a crush on a gay guy, and to me he is as close to Mr Right as I have yet to find. But as these things usually are, it’s more complicated than this. This guy is a long time friend and a room mate of one of my best friends. Because of this, I feel that telling him I have feelings for him might put a bit of weight on my friendship with the friend. The relationship I share with this friend of mine is something I don’t want to risk losing, because not only do we have a very close friendship, we are also planning on starting a small business together. As if that wasn’t enough, the guy I’m interested in seems to have a very specific type, and although we have heaps in common, I’m not sure if he would consider feeling the same way. So if I admit that I have a crush on him and he rejects me I may be forced to spend less time at my friend’s place or with my friend in general out of awkwardness, and it may also ruin prospects for a future career. What should I do? Should I tell my crush? Should I tell my friend instead? Or should I just get over him?

Love, Jabroni.

He's your best friend and he's your crush's roommate. You need him to be Wallace, supportive enough to kick you in the balls toward doing the right thing.

Dear Jabroni-

It’s exciting that you’ve met someone who you feel this strongly about.  It’s a thrilling feeling, isn’t it?  But I completely understand the hesitation that you feel as well.  The good news is that this is a manageable situation and you can make some smart choices.  I think that the first point of order is talking to your friend.

You say that this guy lives with one of your best friends.  Personally, I can’t think of any better person to tell about your crush.  Honestly, if you and your friend are as close as you imply, your friend probably already knows that you like this guy.  Now, I don’t know the whole story or the dynamic that you have with your friend, but I don’t see why you telling your friend the truth about this may cause a strain between the two of you.  I can only really see a point of contention coming up if you didn’t consult one of your best friends first.  Your best friend deserves a heads up.

Then I think that you should turn to one of my personal favorite proverbs.  “He who takes no risks drinks no champagne.”  It’s also known as, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”  Put quite bluntly, you’ll never know if anything can happen with this wonderful guy until you try it and find out.  Figure out how you want to approach him.  Maybe your best friend can give you a few ideas.  Think about timing and presentation, as they can go a long way.  Most importantly, be honest and be yourself.

Maybe things will go your way.  Maybe they won’t.  I can’t predict that for you.  Just don’t let fear of the unknown stop you from going after your dreams.  I know you’re worried about things turning awkward if he rejects you, but my simple advice is don’t let them. Sure, it stings when you make yourself vulnerable and don’t get what you want.  Yeah, it’s embarrassing.  You can let that get to you or you can shrug that off, hold your head high, and go right on being friends with this guy.  There’s nothing wrong whatsoever with developing feelings for someone and being open, honest, and brave enough to share that vulnerability is something to be commended.

Be yourself, confide in your best friend, and go after what you want.  Whether things go your way or not, don’t stop holding your head high and believing that you deserve good things.  You do.  Sometimes you just have to take a risk to get them.

-Dr. Gay Nerd

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Tags: advice, ask dr. gay nerd, asking out, being honest, crush, declaration of love, desire, drinks no champagne, expressing interest, friendship, gay best friend, gay crush, gay friend, gay roommate, gay-nerds, he who takes no risks, lesbian nerds, love, presentation, relationship, roommates, taking risks, timing, trust, vulnerability