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Happy Birthday, Greg Rucka

August 30, 2010 Comments (23) Views: 8080 Internet

What The Fanfic: Harry Potter and the Half-Cat Man

You can’t keep a good fanfic aficionado down. TFT may be dead, but my quest to shed light on the worst fanfiction the internet has to offer continues, just with more text. (Did we not mention that Twilight Fanfic Theater is dead? It’s dead.) I actually had a good Twilight fic ready for this, but then I stumbled upon this crossover gem. Kutal from Shinzo meets Harry Potter from…Harry Potter, and they totally do it! Also, they are both cats. Enjoy!

I'm so over Twilight, you guys.

“Now then what’s on the menu for tonight,” Kutal asked himself as he exited his house and went into the woods behind his house to get some fresh food.
As he walked through the forest, Kutal found a tree full of bright red apples.
“Oh yummy,” Kutal said with a giant grin as he began to shake the tree.
Only what came out of the tree were not the big juicy apples that he had expected but what came out of the tree with them was what seemed to be a boy around the same age as Yakumo.
The boy had emerald green eyes, long midnight black raven coloured hair that came down to just past his shoulders, pale yet healthy skin and he looked like an angel. Kutal’s thoughts of the boy in his arms soon changed when he spotted the pair of black cat ears on his head and a black cat tail coming out of a hole that had been cut in the boy’s trousers.

“Midnight black raven coloured hair”? I wonder if that’s dark or not…

“My my, what do we have here?” Kutal asked with a grin as the neko boy in his arms blushed, “May I have your name my fair boy?”
“Harry,” the boy answered with a blush, “I got stuck up in that tree and couldn’t get down, stupid horny Enterrans.”
Kutal took a deep breath and that was when the sent hit him and it all fell into place, “Ah, you lucky birthday boy, I take it that you’re fifteen today and you’re going through your first heat?”
Harry nodded, blushing like mad. It was taking up all of his self control to stay still in the giant cat’s arms and speaking wasn’t an option at this moment of time.
“Then don’t worry my little kitten, the great chief Kutal knows what to do!” Kutal asked as they walked the short distance to Kutal’s house with Harry still in his arms.
Harry looked up at what seemed to be his new friend, “You do? What is it?”

Deliverance...with cats.

Imma make you mewl like a kitteh!

“Why you’re going to make an excellent meal!” Kutal said with a cat like grin as he licked his lips.
“You’re going to eat me!” Harry said as he remembered the fairy tale that Hermione had told him about the witch and two children one night when they couldn’t sleep.
“In a way,” Kutal said with a grin as he gave Harry a kiss and ran his rough cat tongue down the boy’s neck and over the neko’s pulse.
Harry tried not to shiver as he felt his heat come to the surface again at Kutal’s touches, “What are you doing?”

Bathing you, duh. You’re fucking cats.

Kutal grinned as Harry looked up at him, the boy’s eyes slowly showing the amount of lust he was feeling.

“Oh just helping you through your first heat is all,” Kutal said innocently as he began to undress himself.
“My heat?” Harry repeated as he slowly backed up to the top of the bed, he had a feeling he’d lose his virginity tonight.

A feeling? And what is that feeling, Harry? Was it the catman’s throbbing erection poking you in the back on the walk over? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he keeps saying he’s going to have sex with you!

Kutal finished undressing and his manhood stood tall and straight as he turned his gaze on Harry who gulped at the sight.

“Why yes my little kitten, you’re going to be my mate,” Kutal said as he sat down on the bed, his weight causing the light Harry to be pushed into the air and land on Kutal’s lap.
“Like what you see?” Kutal asked as he saw Harry looking at his manhood.
Harry gave a gulp, “You’ve got spikes on your manhood…”

Felines really do have barbed penises. The spikes are meant to scrape the walls of the female’s vagina upon withdrawal—an act that stimulates ovulation and removes rival sperm. KAWAII!
Wait…why is catboy Harry surprised? Aren’t his genitals shaped like a mace too?

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t hurt you,” Kutal said as he began to undress the teen, “They’re just to help us make a baby is all.”
“Make a baby!” Harry squeaked out in shock allowing Kutal to remove his trousers.
“Why yes,” Kutal purred out as he began to play with one of Harry’s nipples which got a sharp breath, “When I said that I was going to help you out with your first heat it means I’ve placed a claim on you, my little mate.”
“Mate,” Harry groaned out in pleasure as Kutal used his rough tounge to lick his nipples, “I like that.”

Of course you do, uke. Nothing makes me swoon like some stranger saying they’re going to impregnate me. Anally.

Kutal let out a chuckle, “Then I have permission for you to become my submissive?”
“Yes,” Harry yelled out with almost no breath as Kutal’s fingers had entered his hole as soon as he had started to say ‘yes’.

Censored for your sake.
Tails flapping all over the place...

“Did my little kitten enjoy round one?” Kutal asked as he finally pulled out of Harry and laid him on his stomach.
“R-r-round one?” Harry asked with wide eyes.
“Oh yes,” Kutal said with a lustful look, “Before this heat of yours is over you’ll be with lots of lovely kittens, so full and round.”
Harry felt himself shudder as Kutal rounded on him for round two.

I really have no idea what Kutal is like in his show, but Harry is suffering from a bad case of In Name Only. That’s one of the many things that tends to baffle me about fanfic…I mean, why? Why does uke neko-boy have to be Harry Potter? What does the story lose if he’s Jack or Kyle or anyone but Harry Potter? Is that Hermione reference really to vital to the plot? It’s like Twilight stories where the characters are accountants instead of vampires.  WHY?
If you have some idea, tell me about it in the forums.
BTW, here’s what Kutal looks like:

Now go read the story again.

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