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August 22, 2010 Comments (0) Views: 5268 Internet, Videogames

Boobs on the Internet

The reason I don’t write more GOTI articles for the site is that usually the topics I come up with aren’t that interesting. Things like “The One Week I Tried WoW” and “Why People Be Actin’ All Crazy on L4D?” seem more like blog topics and GN isn’t my blog. So, I sit back and let the ideas come to me, and boy, did an idea hit me recently. Big, bouncy ideas. With cheese.

That’s Catherine… or is it Katherine? Something like that. Is her name really that important? Really? I mean, look at dem boobs. Right, bros? Boobs! You don’t get to see boobs everyday. That goes double for the Internet, where boobs are as scarce as videos of men masturbating. Wait…what was I talking about again? That picture is so just so gosh darn distracting and in no way nauseating. Honestly, I don’t care/am not sure what this advertisement is even for, but I am sho nuff gonna buy whatever it is because boobs are like my field of dreams: if you flash them, I will…I’ll buy stuff.

If the subtleness of my sarcasm has caused it go over your heads, please note that I am not actually a fan of this kind of advertisement. It offends me as a woman and a gamer and as someone who enjoys pizza because THAT IS NOT HOW PIZZA WORKS! But I digress. The above is actually an ad for Atlus’ first HD game, Catherine. A game that probably isn’t about slices of pizza about to skeet skeet all over your face and stuff. Details are few, but I hear it’s actually about some dude named Vincent who has reoccurring nightmares about climbing an endless staircase under threat of death. Hmm…that kinda sounds inter-BOOBS! Sorry, my BADD (Boob Attention Deficit Disorder). I shouldn’t be so mean to this game—it may end up being really good and ole Titty McPizza up there might turn out to be the most empowering female protagonist of our generation.

What? I'm so cereal right now, you guys.

What I’m really rallying against is the notion that (1) all gamers are straight males who (2) are themselves all perverts. Remember the hoopla over the sex scene in Mass Effect? You know, the 20 seconds of sideboob you got to see only after 30 hours of gameplay during which you decided to pursue one of the optional romances, remember that? Remember Fox News acting like Bioware had released the video game adaptation of Deep Throat? Remember how fucking ridiculous that was? The fact is most people still don’t understand video games nor do they want to. It’s easier to protect the children from a “murder simulator” than it is to try and censor a complex piece of social satire.

"If you look beyond the violence, you'll see a very deep-" "WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!"

The thing is, ads like Catherine’s don’t help. Anything. At all. They don’t help the naysayers take gaming more seriously and they probably don’t even help sell the game. Seriously, ad agencies, google “boobs” right now with safe search off. See? If people want it, they can get it for free. I cannot stress that enough. The web is a carte blanche of free pornography. No one is buying any game just because it features pixelated bosoms. Beyond that, they’re pretty damn alienating. I know I’m a chick, but I’m also a chick who’s all about boobs and very few things can turn me off of a game like the advertisment above can. Remember, despite the enormousness of some people’s…assets…the brain is still the largest sex organ. Make my mind horny, and I will gladly hand over my cash.

The sexiest game character ever.

More information on boobs can be found in the forums.

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