In 1998, HBO launched a television series that would forever make relationships with women impossible. Of course, I am referring to Sex and the City, the story of four socially, sexually, and emotionally insecure women trying desperate to not sabotage every aspect of their lives and failing miserably. Not content with the massive fame and wealth the show brought everyone who touched it, a mediocre movie was filmed to capstone the series. Likewise, not content with that pile of jewels and riches, Prissy Brunette, Callous Bitch, “Sexy” Old One, and Sarah “Horsica” Parker returned to film spawn a second, much worse movie.
After watching this travesty, I’m having trouble forming coherent thoughts. I can’t…brain. One sentence keeps echoing through what is left of my mind…
Why is Sex and the City 2?

Yes, why. Not “how is” or “why was.” Why does it exist? Who decided it was a good idea? And why did the movie get the green light when it is literally about nothing?
No plot ever really surfaces. Prissy Brunette fears her husband will cheat with the nanny that refuses to wear a bra, but conveniently turns out to be a lesbian. “Sexy” Old One needs to put every dick on screen inside her gaping death snatch. Callous Bitch quits her job in the first half hour and then, um, does nothing for two hours of screen time. And Sarah “Horsica” Parker deals with no longer being in the sparkly honeymoon stage of her marriage by complaining, until she gets the chance to make out with her ex fiance, which she then complains about.
I’m really not sure what the movie was trying for. At times it seems like a comedy, but the only jokes are puns that would even make Carrot Top cringe. Need an example? While sitting in the desert enjoying a picnic among sand dunes, ‘cause that happens so often in the Middle East, “Sexy” Old One describes an attractive guy as “Lawrence of My-Labia.” (I’ll give you all a minute to recover and wipe the vomit from the corners of your mouths.)
Yet at other times, Sex and the City 2 approaches a serious discussion of what marriage means and how those vows may or may not change a person, but falls into a series of boring back and forth dialog moments and shameless flirting, again, mostly by way of puns. (There’s also occasional racism against both Jews and Muslims holding it back, which is impressive considering that most of the movie takes place in the Middle East.)

None of that matters, of course, since everything about this movie will make anyone that is not a soccer mom eager to ditch her minivan and live a fabulous life of excess in an imaginarily glamorous New York City, or a 20 year old girl, rage-face constantly.
Let me describe the first ten agonizing minutes of the movie. The only two gay characters from the show were forced together and the audience struggles through their overly elaborate million dollar wedding. Because, you know, gay people don’t really care about each other and just go for whatever is available, as “Sexy” Old One proclaims. Awww, and the couple is also non-monogamous. Goodie. Then one of them admits to a recent crack addiction. (This just keeps bursting forward with shiny rainbows of generous equality.)
Suddenly, Liza Minelli appears to perform the wedding, delighting all the copy-paste gay men on screen, and one character remarks “Why would Liza agree to this?” Yeah, that’s what I was wondering, except it was more of “Why would Liza/the director/the writer/the producer/the cast/the stage hands/the editors/the audience agree put themselves through this?”And on and on the rest of the two and a half hours plods, going nowhere…slowly, yet luxuriously.

The movie quickly offends anyone not making six digit incomes, and should offend anything with a vagina. Never before have women been portrayed as empowered while also being so vapid. “Oh no, there’s nothing left to buy for this apartment. Now I’m unhappy…with EVERYTHING!” “I’m worried that my husband is going to cheat on me with the nanny…but then my daughter got paint on my clothes, so now things are serious business!” “My anniversary present wasn’t a piece of expensive jewelry? I hate this marriage!”
The characters are lonely and unhappy, but special in every possible monetary way. Private cars, butlers, even a damn private elevator once they finally get to the hotel in Abu Dhabi, which they go to because a Sheikh they meet at a movie premiere decides he needs to lavish them with his money…for some reason. Mrs. Horsica Parker even has a fucking electronic passcode for her closet (this is what happens in a world where no one ever says “no”). A later scene shows her confusion at a pair of shoes that costs twenty dollars, only twenty dollars, showing exactly how balls deep boob deep the show was in commercialism and disgusting excess. This, this right here is why so much of the world hates America.
Oh, no, wait. During the dynamic struggle of getting to the airport, after being kicked out of the hotel for having sex on a beach or risk having their tickets changed to, gasp, coach *facepalm*, the characters discover that underneath the burkas and face veils of Muslim women are designer clothes and a powerful desire to be American. Oh, but wait, the simple native people just want to be like Americans, right? Wanton refusal to observe other people’s customs and respect their society is why most of the world hates us. Refusal exactly. Like. This.
Honestly, I spent most of the movie worried that people on my PSN friends list could tell what I was watching. I expected my list to be empty and inbox full of messages saying “I’m so disappointed in you.” For the first time ever, my PS3 chugged while streaming a movie, probably because it was trying to commit seppuku during the cast’s rendition of “I Am Woman.”

Recommendation: This movie is exactly what the show was, what middle aged white women always secretly wanted their lives to be – stupid frivolity, too much money spent on clothes, and men with absolutely no power or ability to control any aspect of their own lives. So if you happen to be one of those, then yeah, you might legitimately enjoy this movie. Everyone else will vomit through their eyes.
Think there’s something redeeming about this movie that was missed? Had enough of “Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse” jokes? Talk about it in the forums!

Tags: Abu Dhabi, Sarah Jessica Parker, sex and the city, terrible movie, The Ass Bin