Dear Dr. Gay Nerd,
I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks, and I want us to be official. We’ve been out on three dates so far. Their first two dates were dinner and then dinner and a movie (pretty casual stuff), but on the third, I went over his house to cuddle and watch a movie, then we went out for ice cream afterward with the his friends. We’ve talked about how we both like each other, but he said he wants to take things slow. At this point, I usually would have asked the guy to be exclusive, but I haven’t. We also haven’t had sex yet because he told me that he wants a more substantial relationship and doesn’t want a relationship based on sex. The problem is that I am afraid of not getting the timing right in asking to go steady. If I ask too early, I might scare him off. If I wait too long, i’m afraid I may send the wrong message, that i’m not serious about a long-term relationship. What should I do?”
Needs to get the timing right
You need to let go of control. You’ve told me all about this relationship based on your timetables, even though you’ve indicated that this guy wants to take it slowly. Any healthy relationship is give and take, although if you ask any single half of a happy couple, they’ll probably tell you that they give more than they take. Therefore, you need to let go of control and let this guy steer for a while. It’ll be okay, really.
I understand the fears that you are professing, but I want you to take a step back and really process what you’ve said. You two have been on a few dates and you’ve talked about liking each other. He wants to take things slowly and he doesn’t want to have sex yet because he wants to build a substantial relationship. Yet, you’re afraid that he’s not going to think you’re serious about wanting a long term relationship because you didn’t ask him to go steady after 3 dates? Even though I understand the nerves you’re feeling, I think that if you take a step back and examine this, you may see that it’s a little silly.
As long as you go along with everything he’s saying, I think he’ll get the message that you want a substantial long term relationship as well. He’s asking to go slowly because he wants to do things right. Maybe he’s been in some bad relationships because he took things too quickly. Maybe he’s been burned and is still healing and learning to trust again. This is something you’ll learn if you’re patient with him. I don’t see any need to ask him to go steady right away because, frankly, I think that’s kind of what’s going on already. It doesn’t seem like he’s dating other people right now and as long as you aren’t, aren’t you getting what you were after?
Stay the course and before long, assuming the two of you continue to get along and really do have a spark, you should have a boyfriend. Don’t give into the pressure to put a label on the relationship that the two of you have. You’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks and you’ve only gone on a handful of dates. You enjoy him, he enjoys you; just hold onto that for now. Let some time pass, let the two of you grow into your feelings, and talk about it with him in a few months.
-Dr. Gay Nerd
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Tags: ask dr. gay nerd, dating, emotions, feelings, gay dating, gay-nerds, going steady, healing, lesbian nerds, long term relationship, love, monogamy, patience, relationship, sex, substantial relationship, take your time, taking it slow, timing