Dear Dr. Gay Nerd,
I’ve been dating for a while now and have met a healthy variety of guys, but none of them progress further than 4 or 5 dates. I’ve become friends with 1 or 2 of them, but even the friendships we share fail to evolve into something as profound as what I have with my usual crew of friends. There’s nothing wrong with any of the guys I’ve dated – they’re all nice guys with their heads on rather straight (or I guess rather gay) – but I just haven’t connected with any of them as much as I would like to. Each consecutive guy has become progressively better and closer to what I’m looking for in a man and a relationship, but none of the guys were as much of a nerd/geek as I am, and certainly did not play as much video games as I did (or even at all for that matter). Going into dating, I told myself that I’d keep an open mind and meet guys that didn’t play video games or have the exact same nerdy interests as me just to see if something new and surprising might develop and sweep me off my feet. Now however, I’m starting to think that I should narrow the scope of my search quite a bit.
Even now, I’ve just started dating this guy who is really nice, smart, way into me (seriously into me, in fact), and more or less the archetype of guy that I’m attracted to, but even after 1 or 2 dates I’m already beginning to feel bored and uninterested in him. I’m thinking it might be because I’m just not connecting with him in that nerdy, geeky level that I’d like to. Still, I wonder if I am judging too quickly and not allowing enough time for something meaningful to develop with him, or any of the guys. I mean, I’d seriously love a guy that I can chill with and play video games with, nerd out over movies or comics, or just immediately understand what I’m referring to, and laugh when I make some really geeky video game reference…
Is this something reasonable enough for me to ask for? Or am I just being unrealistically specific, picky, and/or shallow?
Gaymer In Search of A Final Fantasy
The answer to both of your questions is yes. Before I go into that, however, I want to commend you on your approach to dating as a whole. You are doing well, much better than many of us gay geeks and lesbian nerds do on our searches for a partner. Most of us forget that dating is supposed to be taking the time to get to know someone and seeing how compatible the two of you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing here. The only issue here may be how quickly you grow tired of your suitors.
Yearning for a gay nerd is perfectly natural. We all feel like we connect best with the people similar to us and wanting someone to share your favorite things in life with is not a bad thing. What you may be doing, however, is denying yourself the chance to connect with some pretty amazing people because they don’t fit into every category you desire. Sometimes opposites do attract and you find that you have chemistry with someone who surprises you. And sometimes you date someone who is into all of the same things you are, a perfect match on paper, and it’s a nightmare.
It’s also important to remember that even though you are, right now, dating someone who isn’t into the same video games or comics as you, this doesn’t mean that they will always feel this way. You could be the person who exposes your partner to one of your geeky pleasures and opens their eyes to how wonderful the lives of us gay and lesbian nerds actually are!
What I’m trying to say is that it’s not bad to want to have a gay nerd of your very own, although dismissing someone simply because they don’t fit the picture in your head is a bad idea. If you always do that, you’ll be forever alone. No one is ever going to be exactly who you imagine they will be. You may find that the person you least expected will be the one you fall in love with.
Should you discover that you truly have no chemistry with someone you’re dating, however, moving on is the best choice. You can’t fake a connection with someone and no small number of phoenix downs is going to change that fact. Just don’t allow yourself to determine that you don’t have that chemistry simply because the other person doesn’t even know what that means. Best of luck and keep me updated!
-Dr. Gay Nerd
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