Ask Dr. Straight Hipster: What Am I Doing Wrong?

straight hipster

Dear Dr. Straight Hipster ~
I’m trying my best to fit into the classic hipster lifestyle and adopt an attitude that’s suitably disdainful of everything and everyone around me to the point where I look like I’m just way too cool to be alive.  The only problem is that I love everything!  How do I transform myself so that I can be unique just like everyone else?
– IWantThisSoBadIMightDie

 

Hipster Girl
Note all of the props and accessories. Utilize them well.

Okay, look.
You’re already failing miserably.
I shouldn’t even bother with this, but I have to pay the bills somehow.
The first thing you absolutely need to remember is to never admit defeat.  Defeat means that you’re not the smartest, coolest, most aloof individual out there.  Coming to me and saying that you don’t know how to be the best hipster possible means that you’ll never be the best hipster possible.  Drill this into your thick head.  You were the first person to ever do anything that’s possible on Gaia’s green earth.  Even if you’re jumping on the bandwagon late, you still have to tell people that you were into this before it was even cool.
Second.  Your threads.  You need to look like The Salvation Army is your one-stop shopping, but don’t you dare actually buy clothes there.  If you’re not spending at least $30 on a vintage style t-shirt, you’re not a true hipster.  And if you’re not putting Skinny Jeans on, there’s no point to living.  Guys better be wearing girls’ jeans and girls better not even be wearing jeans.  Leggings are going to be your bottoms of choice.
Third.  Stop showering.  When this isn’t possible, stop washing your hair.
Best Hipster Ever
Study him. Know him. Come to love him. Use him as your template. He's got it going on in all the right ways.

Fourth.  You want to be a successful hipster so bad you could die.  This is the right internal attitude to have.  Where you fail, buddy, is by admitting this.  Hipsters are such by not trying.  They just happen to find these skinny jeans.  Those Doc Martens were the only things just laying there.  Their hair is perfectly greasy because they were just too lazy to do anything with it.  Once you perfect the skill of “not trying” you’ll be more genuine than admitting that you’re working really hard.
Fifth.  Your music.  If it’s on the radio, it’s crap.  And the more obscure the band is, the better.  A good guide is to keep a non-hipster or two in your back pocket.  Run anything new by them.  If they even think they might have heard of it before, it’s too mainstream.  The more indie you go, the better.  Remember, there’s no such thing as too unknown.
Get this down and you can start to pass as a mediocre hipster.  From there, you’re on your own.
 
-Dr. Straight Hipster
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