Dear Dr. Gay Nerd–

My boyfriend dumped me about a month ago.  We were together for almost a year.  He said, “Even though our relationship is really good, I’m not sure if staying with you is going to help me become the person I want to be.”  But we’ve been talking over the past few days about getting back together.  I’m still in love with him.  He says he really misses me and wants to take it slow, one day at a time.  I just don’t know what to do.  My head tells me don’t do it and my heart says go for it.  I don’t know if I can handle losing him again.  What should I do?

–Is The Cake a Lie?

Dear Cake ,

We’ve all been in the position where our heads tell us one thing and our hearts tell us another… but it’s never harder than when love is in the picture.  Your head understands that because your boyfriend broke up with you once since he wasn’t fully happy in the relationship, he could easily do it again.  Your heart, however, is still holding onto the love you felt when the two of you were together.  You need to be asking yourself whether you think you’ll be able to get that love back.

He misses you and he wants to slowly explore whether or not he can be happy with you.  Your priority, however, is to not focus on helping him make his decision about your relationship.  You need to make your own decision about whether or not you think this relationship is going to be one that you will be happy and fulfilled in.  You’re remembering the love you felt while you were in the relationship, thinking everything was perfect.  You need to figure out if that’s an accurate picture of the love you shared or if you’re maybe looking at the relationship through rose colored glasses.

Take this time to look back and determine just how happy you actually were.  Are there things that bother you from when the two of you were together?  What do you think needs to change?  If he wants to come back… things obviously weren’t as bad as he originally thought.  You, however, need to determine if things were as good as you remember.

If you get back together, you are taking on the responsibility of the relationship ending again.  The two of you are starting over with the understanding that it can end when either person feels it’s not working out.  If you’re okay with this… I’d see where the relationship goes.  Should you determine, however, that you two weren’t everything you thought you were… why would you put yourself back into a crappy situation?  There are other hot dogs at the carnival and you will find someone even better.

One thing that you should absolutely NOT do, however, is blindly throw yourself back into this relationship.  Things will NOT go back to being the way that you thought they were and you are only setting yourself up for more heartache.   Save your dignity and walk away now if you know that you don’t have the strength to take things slowly with this guy.

-Dr. Gay Nerd

Have a question for the doctor? E-mail: askdrgaynerd<at>gay-nerds.com

Agree or disagree? Discuss it in the forums

Tags: ask dr. gay nerd, boyfriend, Gay, problems